Marriage

first come loves… then comes marriage…. then baby????

written: 8.21.14

“it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” Author unknown

 
I remember reading that quote when all I could think about was having a baby. As children we grow up singing ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (insert name) with a baby carriage.’ Sadly as with most fairy tales and stories from our childhood it just doesn’t always happen this way.  
 
I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with in 2008. We got married in 2011, and instantly knew we wanted a family so we did what any married couple does we tried and tried to conceive. 
 
I pride myself that I’m pretty realistic and I didn’t expect to get pregnant the first time we tried but after 6 months I wonder what was taking so long. I made an appointment with my obgyn to discuss everything and after a few tests and appointments we discovered our ‘fairy tale’ wouldn’t be so simple… Or possible. 
 
I think any female that receives news like this goes through a series of emotions… Why is this happening to me? 
Will my husband regret marrying me if I can never give him a child? 
As a woman this is what I’m here to do… Bear children so if impossible what is my purpose then? 
 
The main frustration was My husband and I did everything right, we graduated high school, went straight to college and received our degrees, had good careers started, got married…. so why can’t we get pregnant…. It wasn’t fair!!
 
I struggled with these emotions, questions, frustrations for days. I think the number one emotion I felt was just overall sadness. 
 
I did everything my doctor told me to do. Nine loooong months of trying with the help of medication my obgyn then told me he would refer me to infertility specialists in my area. What I heard is “there nothing more I can do for you, sorry.” Which is another disappointment. I quickly found out that my insurance nor my husbands covered any infertility treatment. The consultation would be $600. A cost my husband and were not prepared for. 
 
I’m not a quitter but I was starting to see our window of opportunity closing. I found myself pulling away from my husband because I felt like I was a bad wife and was letting him down. All of which I’m sure was all in my head. 
 
To get my mind on other things I really took an interest in working out. Looking back it was something I could control. I could push myself and make physical and mental changes and nobody could tell me no. I told my body what I wanted to do and it did it. I dedicated my mornings 5-6 days a week to going to the gym. I also did something I never thought I could do go at 5am. I started working out in November 2012. 
 
In the summer of 2013 I decided since my hopes of having a child were diminishing I would start to change other aspects of my life and look for a new job, which I achieved in August 2013. 
 
Everything was going really good in my life but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. 
 
On Monday September 30th I found out I was pregnant! I just simply couldn’t believe it and I don’t think I did for a few days. We didn’t tell anyone but my parents at first and then my husbands parents but kept it a secret for almost 10 weeks. The whole time I couldn’t believe I was with child. I was okay not telling anyone because I didn’t want to jinx anything and I was scared. 
 
My pregnancy wasn’t the easiest but certainly could have been worse. Fatigue was overpowering my life. 16 weeks into the pregnancy we found out the gender; its a girl! My heart was full… Or so I thought! 
 
On May 27th 2014 I feel like my life truly began. My little girl Carolina Mae was here and I could hold her and kiss her! NOW my heart was full. One thing I wasn’t expecting was to fall even more in love with my husband but seeing him so emotional for really the first time was inexplicable. 
 
Carolina is 12 weeks old this week and I find myself thinking back to that time in my life when I didn’t know if she would ever get here and that quote and I’m so glad I didn’t give up because she is everything I wanted and sooo much more! She’s sleeping in my lap right now and all I can think is with my husband, my dogs (Kona and Sadie), and my sweet sweet babygirl my house is now truly a home. 
Motherhood

mommy is not available right now…. leave a message after the tone: BEEP!

written: 8.21.14

 

Let me start of by saying I love my new life. With that said I’m starting to figure out how hard this stay at home mommy thing is. 

The hardest thing for me to adjust to is losing my quiet time where I can truly relax and rejuvenate my mind. I didn’t think this was all that important at first because I had all the day to day things down. I also couldn’t bear being away from Carolina for any extended time. What I’m learning is that if I can step back and reflect and relax I could be an even better mom. One thing I can do is once a week escape somewhere just for a couple hours. The key will be not to spend money excessively because let’s face it I don’t have an income but I could be happy just sitting at Barnes and Noble to read a book or start to write more. Maybe find a coffee shop and do the same. Definitely something to give some thought. 

Another thing that I’m struggling with is my husband spending so much time outside of the home and not getting enough quality time with Carolina. Currently when he gets home she is extra cranky for an hour or more. Its been this way for several weeks now  I hate that because he doesn’t have the ability to see her laugh and talk and play like I do during the day. Also with me taking care of the home I’m noticing that he may be taking advantage of that a little bit. I’m not asking him to clean the house or laundry but it seems when Carolina needs to be fed or a diaper change it’s all of a sudden “mommy time”.  By taking some time away from the house I can give him that time with her to find that bond he had with her when she was first born.

Another highlight would be I would be able to write a full blog entry before my baby woke up. Time to go return to the best part of my day, hanging with my daughter!

I read a quote recently that read “the greatest work you do will be within the walls of your own home.” I believe that. I also think that work is the hardest of all. 

Motherhood

APPLICATIONS NO LONGER NEEDED: POSITION FILLED!

 

 written: 8.14.14
 
one door closes; another door opens

A new chapter in my life has begun: I have become a stay at home mom! 

This new position is by far the most important one I’ve ever had. It also makes me the most nervous for numerous reasons. 
    1.  I’m nervous because another life is completely dependent on my care. Being a stay at home mom is a 24/7/365 position. I no longer have sick days, personal days, vacation days. This fact is daunting yet so full of happiness. How can that be? How can being exhausted to the point you don’t know if you brushed your hair or not or that PJs have become my entire wardrobe make me so incredibly happy? 
    2.  I’m nervous to be solely dependent on my husband, financially. The last time I was dependent on someone I was a teenager living at home with my parents. Will my husband treat me like his wife still or an employee? I love my husband and I adore being his wife but throughout our whole relationship (6 years) we have been very independent and prided ourselves on the fact that I was not like the wives we’ve known who were dependent on their husbands. We were so independent that we never shared a bank account, and I’m still not on his account. While some people reading this may wonder what kind of relationship do we have because we have maintained a lot of individuality but I’m proud of our relationship…we’ve just created our own story and rules. I guess the nice part of creating our own story and rules is that we can change the rules anytime. 🙂 Another thought is that if we don’t share an account or even if we do, do I have to ask permission to spend any money? How will this work?  This may be the biggest fear I have about staying home. I’m sure this topic could be a whole new post; and very well may be eventually once I see how things are panning out. 
    3.  I’m nervous that when I decide to return to the workforce it will be hard to find ‘my place’.As I type that sentence it also makes me very excited because I’m excited that I can find something I’m actually excited about. I feel that if I were to work outside the home I should enjoy what I do so that it justifies being away from my child. 

However, no matter my fears and/or concerns being here to see Carolina roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, and talk outweighs all the fears and nerves I have about staying at home. 

I never expected to stay at home. I wish that staying at home would be this fabulous life…maybe I watch ‘The Real Housewives’ maybe a little much; laying out by a pool, drinking wine at 11:00am, nannies and maids. It is amazing but it’s definitely wasn’t about wearing fabulous clothes and eating at fancy restaurants; staying at home comes with a LONG list of duties and responsibilities. Even in my sleep I think I’m making a to do list. I ended up creating a weekly cleaning list so that each day I clean a room in the house so that I’m not cleaning all day and that I’m not too lazy and leave it all for weeks at a time. I’ve started using a weekly menu planning so that I can plan what I will cook for dinner each day because with a newborn I never really know how much time I have while she is napping or at least content long enough to cook something. I don’t want to waste time staring aimlessly in the pantry or refrigerator. 

I never thought I wanted to stay at home. I have mocked women who stayed at home. I raved that ‘when I have kids I will work and still be able to maintain a home and care for my child.’ Does my new found feeling and thoughts make me a hypocrite? Possibly. But I think its was more of me being very unaware and uneducated about what it means to be a mother. Just like teenagers think they know what life is like being an adult then realize later in life that maybe we didn’t ‘know it all’; I was this way about motherhood. I also believe that me wanting to stay home isn’t because I couldn’t handle maintaining the home and care for my child while working but more about a new found feeling of love and not wanting to miss the numerous first that Carolina will have.

 

A word I’ve never used to describe myself is being submissive. In the past I felt that being submissive meant being controlled and weak. I am learning how to become submissive because I’m learning that being submissive does not mean weak or that I’m entering into ‘slavery’, or his control. I’m submitting to my new role in our family just as he is. I just hope my husband doesn’t feel that way. I hope he respects what I do around the home. Just as he is providing financially for the family I’m providing a loving, well kept, stable home. 

Overall, becoming a mother has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I feel things I’ve never felt before. I believe in things I never new existed. I love more deeply. I’m a better person because of Carolina and I’m forever grateful to her for that. 

Motherhood

DANGER: pregnancy hormones at work

written: 12.23.13

I’ve always heard women tell me how they were just an emotional mess during their pregnancies and I remember thinking it can’t be that different from the mood swings from our monthly cycle! Holy moly was I wrong!!!

My mood changes not just on a weekly or daily basis but hourly sometimes. I can see a sad commercial on TV and just burst into tears. Something can go wrong at work and I’m crying because everything is being ruined. My husband can look at me the wrong way and I could punch him in the face. These are just a few of the situations I have found myself in recently. 

I’ve never been an overly emotional person so I am surprised at how much I have become an emotional roller coaster during my pregnancy. 

My black lab Kona turned 5 years old today and I just cuddled in bed with her and cried because I don’t want her to get old and eventually pass away. She has been my ‘child’ for the last 5 years and I cannot imagine my life without her. I ended up laughing at myself (as I typically do when I’m in one of my mood swings)… so here I was lying in bed crying and laughing all at the same time! Whoa buddy I still have 5 more months! God help me! 

The other emotional part aside from mood swings is now I’m starting to show. I’m not ready to buy maternity clothes or for my body to change so much! YIKES!!! guess I can’t stop this train so I better hop on and prepare for the rest of this journey!I just hope I can get back on my workout routine as soon as possible and return to where I was (or better yet… even better than what I was before). 

We’re looking forward to finding out what we are having on January 8th. I’m sure that will be my next post. 

Motherhood

when a pain isn’t just a pain….

written: 12.5.13

No one tells you the bad parts of pregnancy! Why is that???

I know plenty of women who have been pregnant and I’ve heard everything from “oh I felt the best when pregnant” “it’s such a blessing”  so on and so on.

Now I’m not debating the second phrase as this is all a blessing and a miracle! But…

What about the possibility of nausea ALL DAY LONG?
What about feeling like I’ve climb a mountain by the end of the day when I did seemingly nothing?
What about how walking at the pace of a turtle makes your boobs feel like someone is sawing them off?
What about feeling so bloated that I’m going to explode? What about the gas pains and constipation?
(oh please as soon as you get pregnant any modesty goes out the window!!) 

This stuff is not fun! It sucks! Did all these other pregnant women forget these things… am I just cursed with bad luck???

From about week 6 through now I’ve dealt with the revolving door of crap symptoms. I mean I guess I could look on the bright side and think about how these are all signs that my pregnancy is going as it should but goodness sometimes I’m ready for June to be here and I can return to my normal self. Well my new normal self! Then again, I don’t know what I’m more worried about my next symptom and keeping my little bug snug in my womb or what happens when he/she arrives and joins this world and the REAL job begins.

I will admit while I always wanted to be a mother and have a family someday I never really looked forward to being pregnant. Surrogacy sounds like a dream right now; haha! I know, I know… how can I feel that way?Judge me if you will; but at least I’m honest. With all that said I’m also very happy to become a mother and to see my husband become a father. It’s amazing how the two of us created a whole new human being (even if it feels like an alien is inside me right now).

Yesterday, I had such a pain develop on my left side. I immediately knew what it was. It’s want guys do all the time, laugh and joke about it; yet as females we do not do that ever… our bodies don’t do it that kind of thing. 🙂 Well news flash boys…. when you are pregnant it happens and boy do the pains hurt!! Attractive huh?

Well after 16 hours of this pain increasing and nothing happening to relieve it (you get the picture) and only getting 2.5 hours of sleep (not consecutively) I called my doctor to see what if anything I could take to relieve this. The nurse said I should be seen today and then I made a dr appt for 10:45a at Parkview North campus.

Okay, when someone tells you that you need to be seen and not really why that’s concerning!

When you are pregnant everyday pains you have had time and time again are different. A million questions and concerns come to mind. I guess this is just preparing us for what’s to come when all you worry about is your child.

After having difficulty finding the baby’s heart beat the NP sent me to the ultrasound room and there it was loud and clear. Everything turned out fine.

The upside was that I got to see our little bug today. it looked like a baby with arms and legs, the flutter of the heart on the screen. I think our little bug already has his dad’s personality because she/he wanted to be the star of the show as he was just a wiggling around. What a sight to see. I sooo wish my husband could have been there. Oh, I forgot to mention he was away for work during all of this… fantastic timing right?!

Since everything is fine I guess its time to start researching day cares… oh boy where to start? Google here I come!

Motherhood

–June 7th 2014–

written 11.28.13

Finding out I was pregnant was the biggest shock of my life.

Actually the fact that I was so shocked by the news even surprises me because we had tried for so long and for a good year that’s all I thought about. I would have thought I would be over the moon excited about being pregnant but fear was all I remember feeling. Seeing those two blue lines probably shocks just about everyone no matter if you’ve been trying or not…let’s face it, those two lines change EVERYTHING the minute they appear.

I didn’t expect to be pregnant, especially since I had just started my new job about a month and a half before; so it definitely wasn’t in the plans. My husband was even fishing when I decided to take the test because I was certain it would be negative (if you know my husband than this fact doesn’t shock you; hell I think he will be fishing when I go into labor). I have taken probably 30 test before and always saw 1 line or ‘not pregnant’ so why would this time be any different. I didn’t have any major symptoms I simply just couldn’t remember when my last cycle was so I figured rather be safe than sorry, right? I was working out really hard and taking supplements and playing around with my diet. That decision of checking turned out to be a good one since it was positive. 🙂

As soon as I saw the lines I cried. I was in pure shock. I have never felt shock like this before. I called my husband to tell him the news; he was thrilled! I called my mom and told her; she actually got a little teary from being so excited. I remember getting off the phone and sitting on the couch and just stared out the window; no sounds, nothing. My dogs just sat in front of me staring at me. I remember thinking and asking myself ‘how was my body going to change?’ ‘How would work handle the news?’ ‘Would everything be okay with the pregnancy and baby?’ ‘Was CJ and I really ready for this?’ ‘What about insurance (because I didn’t have any)?’ “oh my gosh, am I going to start throwing up?

At this time, I had to be just over 4 weeks along.

When I came to and digested the news as much as I could so like anyone else that finds out they are pregnant I knew I needed to call my doctor. Um problem: I had to make sure I could get on my husband’s insurance before proceeding so I frantically got that all taken care of.

Doctor appointment was scheduled for November 9th @ 8:00am. Waiting for November 9th was torture…days seemed like weeks and weeks like months. We only told our immediate family and only very close friends of ours and pretty much swore them to secrecy. Not telling people wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be; UM probably because I was just coming to terms with what was going on. The hardest part was feeling so incredibly nauseous ALL DAY LONG and not letting anyone know I was feeling so poorly.

November 9th finally arrived! My husband and I went to the doctor bright and early. We did the ultrasound first and holy moly hearing the heartbeat was incredible! This sound was coming from inside me… WEIRD! It became a little more real for me after that. The doctor said everything so far was perfect and I was spot on with my dates as I was in my 10th week at that appointment. My due date will be around June 7th 2014 (this is 3 days after our wedding anniversary)! We got the pictures from the ultrasound and that was my baby’s first picture!

My husband and I finally decided it was ‘safe’ to tell work and then once I informed work then we would make it facebook official for all to know; because let’s face it you’re not really in a relationship, married, pregnant if it isn’t on facebook! (How dumb right!?!) That was the first time this pregnancy was fun for me. I’m still terrified of whats to come but at least we are getting to the more fun parts!

My next appointment is Dec. 9th which will be pretty basic and then in 4 weeks from then we should be able to see if we are having a boy or girl!