A new chapter in my life has begun: I have become a stay at home mom!
This new position is by far the most important one I’ve ever had. It also makes me the most nervous for numerous reasons.
1. I’m nervous because another life is completely dependent on my care. Being a stay at home mom is a 24/7/365 position. I no longer have sick days, personal days, vacation days. This fact is daunting yet so full of happiness. How can that be? How can being exhausted to the point you don’t know if you brushed your hair or not or that PJs have become my entire wardrobe make me so incredibly happy?
2. I’m nervous to be solely dependent on my husband, financially. The last time I was dependent on someone I was a teenager living at home with my parents. Will my husband treat me like his wife still or an employee? I love my husband and I adore being his wife but throughout our whole relationship (6 years) we have been very independent and prided ourselves on the fact that I was not like the wives we’ve known who were dependent on their husbands. We were so independent that we never shared a bank account, and I’m still not on his account. While some people reading this may wonder what kind of relationship do we have because we have maintained a lot of individuality but I’m proud of our relationship…we’ve just created our own story and rules. I guess the nice part of creating our own story and rules is that we can change the rules anytime. 🙂 Another thought is that if we don’t share an account or even if we do, do I have to ask permission to spend any money? How will this work? This may be the biggest fear I have about staying home. I’m sure this topic could be a whole new post; and very well may be eventually once I see how things are panning out.
3. I’m nervous that when I decide to return to the workforce it will be hard to find ‘my place’.As I type that sentence it also makes me very excited because I’m excited that I can find something I’m actually excited about. I feel that if I were to work outside the home I should enjoy what I do so that it justifies being away from my child.
However, no matter my fears and/or concerns being here to see Carolina roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, and talk outweighs all the fears and nerves I have about staying at home.
I never expected to stay at home. I wish that staying at home would be this fabulous life…maybe I watch ‘The Real Housewives’ maybe a little much; laying out by a pool, drinking wine at 11:00am, nannies and maids. It is amazing but it’s definitely wasn’t about wearing fabulous clothes and eating at fancy restaurants; staying at home comes with a LONG list of duties and responsibilities. Even in my sleep I think I’m making a to do list. I ended up creating a weekly cleaning list so that each day I clean a room in the house so that I’m not cleaning all day and that I’m not too lazy and leave it all for weeks at a time. I’ve started using a weekly menu planning so that I can plan what I will cook for dinner each day because with a newborn I never really know how much time I have while she is napping or at least content long enough to cook something. I don’t want to waste time staring aimlessly in the pantry or refrigerator.
I never thought I wanted to stay at home. I have mocked women who stayed at home. I raved that ‘when I have kids I will work and still be able to maintain a home and care for my child.’ Does my new found feeling and thoughts make me a hypocrite? Possibly. But I think its was more of me being very unaware and uneducated about what it means to be a mother. Just like teenagers think they know what life is like being an adult then realize later in life that maybe we didn’t ‘know it all’; I was this way about motherhood. I also believe that me wanting to stay home isn’t because I couldn’t handle maintaining the home and care for my child while working but more about a new found feeling of love and not wanting to miss the numerous first that Carolina will have.
A word I’ve never used to describe myself is being submissive. In the past I felt that being submissive meant being controlled and weak. I am learning how to become submissive because I’m learning that being submissive does not mean weak or that I’m entering into ‘slavery’, or his control. I’m submitting to my new role in our family just as he is. I just hope my husband doesn’t feel that way. I hope he respects what I do around the home. Just as he is providing financially for the family I’m providing a loving, well kept, stable home.
Overall, becoming a mother has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I feel things I’ve never felt before. I believe in things I never new existed. I love more deeply. I’m a better person because of Carolina and I’m forever grateful to her for that.