Motherhood

First Birthday Pressures

My daughter turns 1 next week! hold on….WHAT? Even typing that sentence seems so bizarre to me. I flash back to dreaming of having a child one day; to thinking it would never happen to me; to finding out I was pregnant; to delivering her….Now it’s her first birthday! I simply can’t understand how fast time seems to fly by. We all have 24 hours a day so how can 24 hours sometimes feel like 24 seconds. I’m experiencing a flood of constant emotions that I feel daily. I’m sure I’m alone with any of the feelings going into her first birthday!

One thing I am struggling with is her actual birthday party that I have scheduled for next Saturday. I’m already finding myself frustrated with various things; and people. I’m nervous that it will be a complete disaster. Even the weather shows that it could rain EVERY DAY next week? Why????

I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make it look like an effortless event. Thank you pinterest and over achieving moms! Why do I put this kind of pressure on myself? My husband could care less what we do (not that he doesn’t care about her or her birthday but he doesn’t care about decorations, etc). Since my husband doesn’t really care about the theme, decorations, etc… he doesn’t give much input into the whole thing. That’s frustrating to me. I don’t know if it’s partly because my mom always threw great parties (nothing extravagant; just good parties with family mostly) and so I feel like I have to match those? She keeps asking me what I have planned so far. “um, nothing yet.” her reply… “you better start deciding”… yes mother I get that [flash forward to me telling my daughter the same thing…. that’s scary… I am my mother I know].

I was going to create this great theme with coordinating food and decorations…. but she’s turning 1! She’ll never remember this party. Does this thought make me a bad mother. Should I be going overboard with this birthday because it IS her first one, She’ll never have a first birthday again? UGH the struggle is real. I think I would rather use that money for future parties where she can actually truly participate in the fun. Therefore I have decided to just do a color theme and keep things on the simple side. That just worries me that it’ll be cheap looking or look half ass.

I never thought planning a birthday party would be so difficult. Guess I better stop talking about what I think I want to do or should do or could do…. and actually get stuff together! Wish me luck!

p.s. I wonder how many tears I will shed thinking that she is turning ONE!

Motherhood

I made a human…. WHAT?!?!

As I rocked my baby before I put her to bed something hit me like a ton of bricks. I made her! Every inch of her, every part of her being, I made her (with a little help from her daddy). I carried her inside of me. She never existed before and there will never be no one else like her. Even as I typed that last sentence it amazes me how true that is. How incredible is that? I certainly did something right! I’m so in love with her!

from our walk today!

I mean I knew I was pregnant and I know what happens when a female is pregnant; I’ve seen the movie ‘The Miracle of Life’ which was made in the early 80s. I think all I really took away from it was the ‘fashion’ (if you can call it that) the adults were wearing… oh my! You know you agree with this. I think during my whole pregnancy it was never real to me. I guess I thought I’d just go to the hospital the doctor would come in, I’d deliver, and from around the corner my baby would appear. You know the stork carries the baby to the hospital room. HA! Seriously though, it amazes me what the female body can do. What we are capable of. How beautiful. I kind of want to be pregnant again, and again, and again. Okay I’m not sure about 3 more times… but definitely again.

All of this made me think of a quote I’ve read probably a thousand times when I was pregnant; “No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” I remember thinking ‘aww, how cute’. It was just this sweet saying but I didn’t understand the full meaning until the days since she was born. Her and I have this bond that no one else can have, take, understand. How special. It truly is an honor that I got to be this little girls mom. I hope there is never a day that she questions my love for her. I hope I can set the foundation where she always feels at ease in communicating whatever life is throwing at her. I’m here for her. I’m not her friend.. (yet), I am her mother. We may not always agree and to be honest like each other but I’ll always have an ear to listen to her stories, a shoulder for her to cry on, and a hand to help her up if she ever falls. I will always love her.

no-one-else-will-ever-know-the-strength-of-my-love-for-youafter-allyoure-the-only-one-who-knows-what-my-heart-sounds-like-from-the-inside-kindness-quote

I have also noticed that when I get overwhelmed with emotions about my daughter, I always think about my mother and all she did for us. I wish there was a way I could have known then what I know now; I would have expressed my gratitude with her more back then. As many teenage daughters and mothers disagree; we had some rough years. I wish I could take those back. I now understand why my mom did what she did, said what she said. (Let’s not tell her that 🙂 but I get it…thanks mom).

There hasn’t been a day gone by that when I feel so much love and emotions for my own daughter that I also don’t feel such appreciation for my own mom. Her and I have the same bond my daughter and I have. You always hear about Fathers and Daughters… I say lets also make Mothers and Daughters worth talking about! 🙂 4734100_f520Amen!!

Motherhood

Strength of mothers

As Carolina napped this morning I found myself watching 2 episodes of 16 and pregnant. Not a show I regularly watch but it was interesting. Since having a child of my own I have a new respect for teenage mothers. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever and to have high school to deal with and just being a kid themselves… I couldn’t imagine. I simply couldn’t imagine having a baby at 16 or better yet before I was married and had my husband here for support.

The first young girl on the show was having an extremely hard time adjusting to being a mom. Staying home all the time, no sleep, her friends off at college and missing out on what she thought she would be doing was taking a toll on her. I couldn’t imagine that struggle. I wanted to cry along with her. I remember loving being off at college and those memories; but I know the love she has for her child as well. I do hope this young girl learns how much being a mom is a privilege and the memories with and love for her child is unlike anything else in the world. In the long run being a mother will outweigh the feeling of not going to school when she thought she would.

The second young girl was faced with keeping her baby or putting baby up for adoption. Adoption was what her friends and family were pressuring her to do. She struggled immensely with this decision but ultimately decided to keep her child. Her mother made her move out and the baby’s father was a year younger than her and even less prepared for the responsibility. My heart goes out to her because I could tell she wants what is best for her daughter and she realized adoption would give her daughter a more stabile, ‘easier’ home but how does a mom give up her child. Oh I just couldn’t imagine the stress and pain she must have went through. I understand and agree that her family wants her to be responsible for child and that it’s the young girls’ responsibility to pay for baby, provide care, pay for daycare, finish school. Yikes I hope things turned out for the best. Again I just wanted to cry for this girls struggle.

Yes it is easy to say that the teenagers should have not gotten pregnant and should have acted differently but that won’t change the situations they are in. I could have easily been in their shoes and I never forgot that as I watched the show. My heart goes out to them and I hope they figure out a way, a plan, and get the support they need to do what’s best for their children and themselves.

I couldn’t help but also selfishly realize by watching this show how truly amazing, I mean AMAZING my life has turned out. I have done so much so far and I’m proud of what I have accomplished but becoming a mother has by far surpassed everything else I’ve done or experienced. And now having the opportunity to stay home and have this time with my child means everything to me. I know this isn’t an opportunity available to a lot of families so I am soo incredibly grateful to my husband.

I’m just reminded of a quote : “being a mother is not about what you have up to have a child but what you gained from having one”. It’s truly the most sacred of roles and privilege to be a mom.