Motherhood

walking….talking…. and not listening!

I live in a household with my husband, daughter, my black lab, and golden retriever. They all love me but they certainly don’t listen to me! Maybe I missed the memo that informed me that the words NO, DON’T, STOP, mean something different to these four creatures.I spend 90% of my day saying No, Stop, Don’t do that, Eh Eh! and then the other 10% is repeating those words! I think the most infuriating one is my husband; I mean he is an adult, right?!?! How can I expect the dogs and child to listen when he doesn’t! I know I’m not the only wife and mother who has felt that way so that thought helps!!

My daughter is now 17 months old and I am simply astonished at how fast she picks things up and makes associations with things. Her and I spend basically all day talking, singing, dancing, learning. It is so much fun to see her enjoy learning new things. To her I don’t think she realizes that is what we are even doing. I try to make it fun (usually at my own expense… I’m so glad no one can see or hear me throughout the day making up dances and songs). She has 37 words in her vocabulary, she knows 6 shapes, she can identify 6 shapes, and knows 14 animal sounds.

She is becoming so much more independent or so she thinks she is. I would love to let her walk around but she hasn’t quite grasped the concept of ‘walk this way’ or ‘come here’. Therefore it is easier for me to carry her to the car or to her bedroom, etc. My lovely husband hasn’t figured this out and lets her walk, then when it’s time to pick her up and actually go where we were originally headed she throws a fit…. then guess who gets her… MOI! I know she has to learn by doing and I’m fine with that but I tend to pick better times to allow her to ‘learn’… for example when its not meal time or when we need to go somewhere. She’s feisty and I think we are going to be in trouble with that as she gets older! She is however, for the most part a happy baby and has been really good when we are out in public, which I’m so thankful for. I know it probably won’t last but…. fingers crossed. Every day with her is still the best day I’ve ever had! With each new chapter her and I encounter we will just embrace it and find joy in it…. living in the moment!

Motherhood

Happy Mother’s Day 

Yesterday was my first mothers day since my daughter was born.  I found it to be a very emotional day.

I’m so blessed to celebrate my first mothers day with my daughter. I don’t see this as a day for me but for her and I! Becoming a mother has been everything I expected and so much more. My heart is so full with love and I have found this peace and completeness in my soul that I wasn’t expecting. Before I had her the thought of dying meant that everything stopped there; my story is over. After having her, I don’t feel that way. She carries on my story and will continue on long after I’m gone. There is something very comforting in that. At the same time, having a child has made me realize how precious life is and that I hope to not miss a minute of her growing up. By becoming a mother I’ve discovered fears I didn’t know I had and a love that I just didn’t know existed. My lifetime simply isn’t enough to fully express what Carolina means to me. I love being able to spend all my days with her.

Becoming a mother also gives me a greater appreciation for my own mother and I thank her immensely for everything she had taught me. I have a great role model for motherhood.

I’ve mentioned before that being a mom is a lot of guess work and thinking on your toes… I may not always know the right thing to do but everyday I get up and try to be the best mom I can be and create memories that will last her and I a lifetime.

I spent the day with my daughter and I couldn’t imagine doing anything different. She makes every day so much fun. We didn’t do much but we spent the day as a family; which in the big scheme of things is the best gift/present I could get.

My husband took me to lunch and to get sushi of all things so I was very excited about that! I gorged myself on sushi and left ready for a nap; which all of us did! 🙂

While we were at lunch I could tell others were there celebrating mothers day as well. It hit me at that moment, that I was part of this ‘club’; the club of mothers. Yes, I have celebrated mothers day with my mom every year that I can remember…but this was the first time I got to experience it as a mother myself. In years past, especially after getting married and wanting a baby for so long, mothers day was more of a reminder that I wasn’t a mother. Selfishly it felt like a slap in the face in a way. That isn’t to say that I didn’t appreciate showing my mother some extra love and attention on mothers day, but if you have ever been in the position of wanting a child for so long and not thinking it was going to happen for you, holidays are hard. Especially holidays like mothers day, fathers day, etc.

Finally, I got my blessing and she is everything I prayed for. I think about her and I could cry such happy tears. I have thanked God every day since I found out I was pregnant and every day since she was born for her.

Her smile is everything! Her whole life lights up; and I hope she never loses that!

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To all the mothers, mothers to be, step moms, dads who play the moms role as well, everyone that cares for a child, I hope you had a great mothers day!

Motherhood

5 Kisses for You!

My favorite spot in my home (quite possibly the planet) is my glider in my daughters room.

Bedtime for my daughter has become by far one of my favorite times. I’m sure I’ve written about it (maybe even a few times) before. I’m not counting the struggle it is to get her pjs on part; but the rocking part. I’ve always been very strict with her bedtime routine and for almost 11 months now we haven’t changed it. The great part of that is she sleeps through the night and is pretty happy most of the day. The down side is sometimes life tries to interfere and makes the ritual more challenging due to outings, family visits, trips, etc. When we don’t follow the plan she doesn’t sleep so well through the night.

But when I’m rocking her to sleep it is just heaven. It’s dark, calm, and quiet. We use a sound machine set to the noise of rain. I also use a fan in her room pointed away from her so that there is air flow through the night. But for the most part it is quiet. I find myself so relaxed at that moment. It may have been a stressful day and maybe when I’m done putting her to bed my stressful day will continue; but for that moment in time I am at peace. I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt that feeling before. Pure, honest peace. It’s quite nice I must say. I don’t worry about who may be texting/calling, what’s on tv, the endless list of chores I still have to do. I honestly think about nothing other than how happy I am to be in that moment. I get to feel this way every day!

On to the topic of this blog entry; 5 kisses.

Every night while I’m rocking my daughter to sleep I give her 5 kisses before I lay her down to bed. Here’s why:
1. A kiss from me; mommy!
2. A kiss from daddy!
3. A kiss from her grandparents, because they live far away from us and I know if they were here they’d kiss her goodnight!
4. A kiss from everyone who never got the chance to meet her! This one I hold dear to me because I always seem to think of my granny when I’m rocking her. How I wish she was still alive to see her, hold her, and love her. I know she is watching over her and me but it’d still be nice to have her here physically. Maybe she is with us in that moment because I seem to always think of her. At least I’d like to think that. In addition to my granny, I wish my husbands sister could still be here to meet her niece as well. I never got to meet her but from pictures they look alike in many ways. This kiss is for them and all our other family members who are no longer with us.
5. An extra kiss; because there is no reason to stop at 4! I guess it’s my way of finishing out our wonderful day and for her to sleep well.

I have done this every night for as long as I can remember. When she is older I will continue this and I’ll tell her all about why I kiss her 5 times before bed. Since becoming a mom I truly appreciate the little, simple things in everything because it’s all those little things that end up being so big in meaning!

Marriage

What my husband doesn’t know…

What my husband doesn’t know…

 

Is when I hear my daughter talking in her crib in the morning(around 630-7am) my first thought is getting everything ready for breakfast. 1. Let the dogs out and feed them then let them back out 2. Warm up for food or prepare it (I make my own baby’s good) 3. Get her formula ready 4. Make sure coffee is made (i do this the night before). I do this all in a matter of a couple of minutes before I go to her because it’s a lot easier and quicker without her watching me get get food ready.

Then I get her out of bed and changed.

What my husband doesn’t know…

After I feed her I clean her up, Finally pour my coffee and head to living room. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I don’t just get to sit on the couch and watch the morning talk shows because we have a 9 1/2 month old who likes to climb up where she shouldn’t, crawl out of sight constantly, slip and fall (mostly scares her), then wanting to crawl all over me, she wants up and down… Up and down. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now after 9am and she starts getting tired and cranky. This means hard to hold and sometimes just fights sleep (you’ll regret that one day kid, sleep now)

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now almost 10am, she’s napping and I may be half way through my first cup of coffee. I’ll finally eat something for breakfast. Then I’ll do the dishes from breakfast and throw in a load of laundry… Something around the house. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Is then around 1045 our child is awake. Time to change diaper and get dressed. Time for a little formula and back to playing as before. I may be half way through my second cup of coffee by now. Also managed to continue with laundry. Maybe I even vacuumed while she was in her bouncer or having her drink. 

I’m not even going to go into running errands and preparing for that. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

It’s now 1230p and it’s lunch time. Warm up or prepare her food, occupy her while I do that. While she’s drinking her milk I clean those dishes. 

It’s now after 1p and it’s FaceTime with my parents. This is actually like a mini break in my day, although holding a phone and active 9 1/2 month old is not easy. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

By 2pm she’s starting to get cranky and you may think she’s ready for a nap but she’s not. She just needs a little quiet cuddle time (about 10 minutes or so… My favorite time). Then she’ll get back to playing or we’ll read a book. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Her second nap doesn’t come until about 330pm. Then I have my lunch. I finish my house chores I’ve set out to do that day and make sure dinner is planned and ready to cook. Oh and feed the dogs again. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

Our daughter will be awake by 4-430p and then it’s time for dinner. I prepare and feed her while I’m making ours. This is the trickiest feeding and takes the most out of me to keep her entertained. I then do the dishes and clean up because I still give her a bath in the sink ( not ready to be on my knees bending over a bath tub just yet). Then it’s usually cartoon time to take a break (for me). Usually though we are playing, walking around the house (me half bending over holding her hands walking up and down the hall and all around).

You usually get home around this point. And you’re still working on your phone or iPad and ask the while I’m trying to keep her as quiet as possible. And I’m also trying to fill you in on our day in between your calls. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I would love for you to put down the electronic devices and spend some good time with our daughter. I know she fusses when you take her from me to hold but can’t you see why now… We’ve been doing a lot together all day long. I’m her everything at this point. I want so badly for her to run to you (or crawl) when you get home… That will come in time I know. But for now I wish you could spend more time with her. She’s a baby once. I used to work in sales so I understand what you do but I don’t think not taking a call the moment it comes in is too much.

What my husband doesn’t know…

After I finish her bedtime ritual and she’s asleep (around 730-8o) then I clean up ask the toys, prepare coffee for next day (see why this is important), I then try to go to the gym. Come home, check on her, shower and take a little care of myself. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

When I lay down at night I never have nothing on my mind. I replay everything that day, maybe re-watch the videos I took of her that day, and mentally prepare for tomorrow. 

Also if you’re working late and not home then I’m praying that the dogs don’t bark when you do get home and wake her up. 

What my husband doesn’t know…

I don’t sleep through the night even she does (thank goodness). I wake up to check the monitor a couple times. 

What my husband sees is his daughter eating breakfast in the morning and then a clean house and dinner when he comes home. 

Now I know my husband is providing for all of us and that had its pressures. I also love everything I do with my daughter each day and love staying home with her. I just wish he saw what it takes to do what I do. 

What I wish by husband knew….

Marriage

Good Mom; Bad Wife!?!?!

The baby honeymoon has ended in my household over the last several months and I’m just coming to realize it.

When I delivered my daughter I saw a side of my husband I simply didn’t know existed. He was amazing while I was in the hospital. I ended up needing a c-section so I was limited on what I could do those first few days. My husband did everything, without complaint. He took care of me when I had to get up, showering, basically anything that involved me standing up or bending over. He changed diapers, held our daughter as she slept, helped me figure out how to nurse her. Even when he could sleep he didn’t because he was constantly checking on our daughter. He also had to come home periodically to take care of my two dogs.

He had tears in his eyes everyday that week. He said when he would run home he would cry leaving us. I was in complete awe of this man. I never knew of this man and I fell in love with him all over again.

……..

Now fast forward to today. He leaves an empty bag on the table (when the trash can is right next to him), he will hand me something to put I the dirty cloths bin when he is in the same room as the laundry, he hasn’t cooked a meal in I don’t know how long, or cleaned anything. This was the man I was used to.

Now since I stay at home I have no problem cooking, doing laundry, cleaning. You’ll probably think I’m weird but I actually enjoy this work. I’m a little OCD so cleaning is therapeutic to me. I don’t ask him nor expect him to take care of all these things. Somehow, I feel like I’m a bad wife now that I’ve become a mother.

I am pretty obsessed with my daughter and I absolutely love being a mother. Even through screaming fits, sleepless nights, teething, EVERYTHING, I love being a mom. I think I’m a good mother. I don’t mean to brag or boast, I just feel comfortable with being a mother… It feels natural, so I feel like I give her my best.

At the same time, while I’m being a good mother I’m also being a bad wife because I’m constantly getting aggravated by my husband. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to let my opinions fly out of my mouth whether I want them to or not… Even when I know I should just keep my mouth shut…I don’t listen. Therefore, I let my husband know I’m aggravated, and do so often.

I don’t even know why I get so aggravated by him. He hasn’t changed. But then maybe I have. As soon as I give him a piece of my mind I immediately want to rewind time and not say anything. Sometimes I get aggravated because I’m aggravated and I know there isn’t a good reason to be, which is really upsetting. Yet, I am too prideful to admit that to him so I just go along and stay annoyed. I guess the best way to explain it is that I feel like I’m at the peak of PMS and literally the sound of someone breathing ticks you off and you know it’s dumb to be this annoyed but you don’t care you’re annoyed nonetheless (sorry men, I know you can’t relate to that one).

I love my husband more then I could ever explain. Forever simply isn’t long enough for us to be together. I’m so lucky to have a daughter with him. I’m sooooo thankful he has given me the opportunity to stay home with our daughter. I love my life. I feel bad that sometimes I act so unappreciative for everything I have, but I don’t know how to not get annoyed with some of the things he does (or doesn’t do).

I’m sure it doesn’t help that we are both very sarcastic people and have used our dry sense of humor in our relationship since the beginning. I think that isn’t working anymore and it’s taking some adjustment. I’m also the person who will keep a lot of my real feelings in and not want to talk about them until I understand them and he always wants everything to be okay all the time. As you can imagine, that combination doesn’t quite work well together sometimes.

I want to work on not only being a good mother but also a better wife. My husband and I are the best of friends and our love is so comfortable. I think we just need to figure out how to be husband/wife AND daddy/mommy at the same time.

Motherhood

We survived… Time for some Christmas cheer!!!

Wow I feel like I’m just getting settled back home from being away for thanksgiving. I have a feeling I’m going to be saying the same thing about Christmas in no time.

We survived our baby’s first stomach bug. What an exhausting week. It was 6 days of her not feeling well and boy oh boy did I worry constantly about her. She was a trooper. You wouldn’t even know she felt bad until you had to change her diaper. Ugh those diapers…. Nothing prepared me for that! We had to disassemble her car seat at one point and wash everything. Poor girl! Glad she is doing much better!

Christmad time is finally here! I wish it could be more than a month of celebrating! Christmas has also been a time of traditions and memories of my childhood and now that I have my own child I think it may be even more fun! Granted she is just 6 months old and has no clue what is going on I guess these memories are for me. I am however, finding it difficult to let go of some of my old family traditions so that my new little family can create our own. It’s bittersweet. But I am excited to build memories with my husband and daughter. I’m still trying to find out what our ‘thing’ will be.

For the past six years I’ve slowly been trying to convert my husband into a Christmas junkie too. I’m not sure if I am succeeding in this goal or if I’m just driving myself crazy. This year with Carolina he doesn’t seem to be resisting as much, so many she is the answer to getting him to love the holidays. It’s not that he’s the grinch but he just didn’t grow up with family traditions and have those warm memories. He had the most pathetic tree… A Charlie Brown tree he would put in his kitchen table and that would be the extent of his decorating. When I came into the picture I told him it’s a real tree only or this thing wasn’t going to work. 🙂 (ahhhh the smell of pine) needless to say we’ve had a real tree ever since. The deal also included if/when we had kids that we’d have to go to a Christmas tree farm for our tree. I’m sure he will be dressing like Santa clause in no time. Ok, well maybe not that far.

My granny started a collection of nutcrackers in 1992 and I’ve received at least 1 every year since. I think I have over 30. My husband just shakes his head when I bring them out!! I haven’t decided what to start collecting for Carolina! Our house looks like it threw up Christmas decorations. I have multiple kinds of Christmas candles going on daily in a rotation. Even my dogs have Christmas collars!

This Christmas I am looking forward to getting out tree, writing to Santa Claus, sitting in Santa’s lap, baking my annual cookies, sending our Christmas cards (isnt it sad that mailing Christmad cards is like a dying tradition. My family used to decorate the house with the cards we got), I’m sure there is more we will do this season! I hope to capture as much as I can!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season with those you love!!!