Life

Brainstorming and Thinking

I found myself in thought as I watched the movie the ‘Legend of Bagger Vance’. It’s a great movie and I’m not a golf fan or know a thing about golf other than the ball goes into the hole. But it’s a great movie because to me the lines in the movie goes beyond golf. I’ve seen this movie several times and I get sucked into each time.

Tonight I find myself thinking about 2015… what will it contain? Will it be full of happiness…. sadness…. struggles…. great bliss and memories. I know its early for thinking about next year but I can’t help it. I blame it on the movie and the fact that I thrive on planning everything… I mean EVERYTHING!

I won’t be using the term ‘New Years Resolution’ because well let’s be real honest I either 1. fail to meet this so called ‘resolution’… it’s a lot of pressure 2. I made it too simple, met it and then realized it’s only February. 3. I forget what my resolution is by May and then it’s ‘Well there is always next year’. 4. they are just plain dumb, in my opinion.

I plan on creating a checklist of things I want to complete in 2015 and also goals/inspirations of how I would like to better myself.

I’m considering for my checklist:

1. fix landscaping areas outside. (I did nothing last spring due to being very pregnant and just didn’t want to do it).

2. organize the home office. (this is pretty much our catch all room… its atrocious. I can’t breathe in this room). The reason it isn’t done is my husband is a borderline hoarder. He doesn’t get rid of anything because even though he hasn’t touched it in the almost 7 years I’ve known him he may need it some day. UGH major pet peeve right here. If he only knew what I’ve cleaned out… ha! The second reason is I can’t decide how I want to organize it. If you are sitting there and you’re a compulsive organizer like myself you know the struggle. Once you think you know how to arrange/organize something and then you look on pinterest and BAM…… a new idea! I have a love/hate relationship with pinterest.

3. the first thing I will probably do is get my 2015 planner and plan out what I can. I can’t believe I don’t have one yet but I just haven’t found one I like. All the planners I’ve found are geared more towards students in school or they are family focused and well it’s just the three of us so we don’t have sporting events/activities/school stuff so these planners are just too cumbersome for me. I need to find a good one that is FUNCTIONAL.

In regards to my goals or inspirations:

I want to be a better wife… a more patient wife. This will be a challenge because my husband is what some would call an instigator/agitator. He loves to pick on me, poke, goof off. I’ve always been more up tight and serious. So you can see how we can butt heads. He loves me more than anything and I definitely reciprocate the feelings but we are very different. When we first met I loved that he was ‘carefree’ and had a ‘sense of humor’. Going into our 7th year together its ‘are you ever serious’ and ‘lazy’. He isn’t really lazy but I don’t see it as being so much ‘carefree’ if that makes any sense. It’s gonna take a constant conscious decision to take a breath and then react.

I want to try to relax more. Not in the sense that I’m so busy but more relax because I’m an anxious person by nature. I want to make the conscious decision to not get so wound up about anything and everything. This alone could help with the above goal of being a better wife.

To continue improving myself. Nothing to strict but I want to continue to increase my gym time and focus on what I eat and how much I consume.

Over the next week or so I’m sure I will continue adding to the list and altering some items. I’ll post it somewhere I see every day so I can keep myself accountable. Good news= the deadline isn’t January 1 2015 but December 31 2015!

I leave you with one (of many) favorite quote from the movie: “Yep, right here is where this game is won, right here on the green…first you got to see it…Sun gonna be there in the morning, over there in the afternoon…funny thing is the blades of grass are gonna flow with the sun…the green is gonna shift…that same putt is gonna go one way in the morn’in ta’other in the afternoon. One way in the morn’in ta’other in the afternoon, you see dat. Yaa…golf course put folk through quite a punishment…it lives and breathes just like us.” –Bagger Vance

Blogging

One Lovely Blog Award

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WOW!!! Thank you to Bespectacled Mother for nominating me for this award! It was a nice surprise when I woke up this morning. I love reading her posts, if you aren’t following her then you should definitely check her out! Sorry it took me a little bit to make a post; my daughter decided again that naps were overrated today!! I’m still pretty new to the blog world but I’m learning more each time I sign on. One thing that I have noticed is that everyone I’ve chatted with in comments or messages has been so incredibly nice. The kind of people I would interact with in the real world. It’s nice to know there are such lovely, supportive people in the world. I will do my best by following all the rules.

Here are the rules:

•Thank the person who nominated you for the award=check
•Add the One Lovely Blog Award logo to your post and/or blog=check
•Share 7 facts/or things about yourself.
•Nominate 7 bloggers you admire.

7 facts:

1. I’ll start with what comes to mind first; which once you read it you may think I’m a little strange. I’m very afraid of squirrels. CANNOT stand them. They are creepy, and big around where I live. I’ve been afraid of them since as long as I can remember. Do you remember the song by Ray Stevens ‘The Mississippi Squirrel Revival’?? I guess I watched that too many times when I was a kid. Not sure what I’m talking about or now you are singing the song and want to watch it again… Well it’s your lucky day here is the video (Mississippi Squirrel Revival). You’re welcome.

2. I love to read. I wish I had more time to read. I wish I had taken more time when I had it to read. I did a challenge a couple years ago where I read 1 book a month. Now, this isn’t too much as sometimes I can finish a book if it is really good in a day or two; but it was nice to turn off the tv and get lost in a book. I hope to pass that love of reading onto my daughter. I am thinking of a way to add onto my blog regarding books and getting back to reading more…. more to come on that later.

3. I’m still not over the lose of my Granny from just over 2 years ago. I think about her every day, if not multiple times during the day. I have a new outlook on life after losing her. I absolutely hate that it took losing her to step back and enjoy my life more. I know though that she would be proud of my new insight regardless. I truly wish she could have met my daughter. It breaks my heart every day. Something I’ve never shared with anyone because I don’t know how they would respond and I’m not quite sure I understand the feeling myself but since her death I’ve become afraid of dying. It sounds crazy I know, but I guess I never gave it much thought before. These feeling were really amplified after having Carolina. I watch these sad movies, listen to the sad songs about losing someone, watch the news how children have to grow up without a parent…. it’s torture. I know there is no way of knowing what the future holds but that alone is frightening to me. So I try to be in the moment, every moment so that she gets all of me while she can. It’s also not the act of dying that scares me its the thought of being gone and missing out on everything to come. That scares the HELL of out me.

4. I’m kind of obsessed with my dogs. I have a black Labrador named Kona and a Golden Retriever named Sadie. I’ve had Kona since she was 6 weeks old and she has been my world since then. She will be 6 in December and she suffers from arthritis in her back leg so she isn’t as active as she used to be. She still loves her tennis balls, the ‘chuck it’ balls, basically anything that resembles her ball. She is extremely well behaved. She never needs to be tied out (and we live on 3+ acres not fenced), she knows every dog command (some people believe she understands me when I talk to her like a person). As a lab she has never chewed anything in the house when we are gone. Just a great dog; we got lucky. She is a sweetheart but when she is in pain she can be kind of moody. Sadie will be 3 this December (pure coincidence both birthdays are in December). I got her in June of 2012 when she was about 1.5 years old. She came from good people but they didn’t really work on good puppy behavior. She is a licker and she likes to have a paw on you constantly. She is a little rambunctious but she is SUCH a lover. She is the sweetest dog who wants nothing more than to make you happy and to cuddle. She is simply A-M-A-Z-I-N-G with Carolina. Carolina just smiles and laughs when Sadie comes around her. My husband finds her a little of a pest (but I think its because she can be a lot like him and just pick on someone constantly). But I know he loves her because I’ll find them cuddling at night. Who can resist a good dog cuddle; not even my manly husband. My day just isn’t complete if I’m not with them.

5. I love to bake and cook. I enjoy baking treats more. I like to bake my dad things because he just gets so excited about everything. I often don’t eat a lot of what I make. Not because it’s not good but I have more joy in making it than eating it. I have a tendency to not use exact measurements when baking/cooking so it’s hard to make the same thing twice.

6. My favorite college course was a Wine Tasting course. I’m not joking…. it was a class where every session we sampled 6-8 different wines. We learned about grapes, how wines were made, stored, etc. We learned about wine pairings, and how to properly taste wine. We even took field trips to very nice restaurants in downtown Indy and have a 3-4 course meal with different wines. Does it get any better than that?!?! UM no! I actually developed a love for red wines in that course. Now for everyone thinking how does that class help you in the business world? easy… ever been to a business dinner? Well you can suggest a good wine and it’s a good conversation piece at the beginning. See. I applied it to the real world.

7. I love, love, love music. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t listen to music and get up and move. I have a wide range of music that I like. I listen to music that allows me to feel something, think something, escape from something. Primarily I listen to country music and rock music. I also listen to music primarily from years prior. This could be a whole post on just my music choices. I love Conway Twitty, George Jones, Tammy Wynette, Bob Wills, Johnny Cash, Buck Owens. I love the Bakersfield sound! I am kind of obsessed with my man GEORGE STRAIT!!! (the perfect man) lol! I’ve seen probably 50-75 country artists live. I also love love love classic Rock; Beatles, Zepplin, The Who, Hendrix, Dylan, The Doors, The Stones, The Eagles (I have every song), my all time favorite Van Halen, The Zombies, Hall & Oates, Buffalo Springfield. I love good R&B: stevie wonder, Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye, Prince, Vandross, Otis Redding, Smokey Robinson. I also love classical and jazz music. I listen to classical and jazz because I like that it doesn’t have words, as a listener you can go wherever you want to go. You can listen to the same song day after day and you may not hear the same thing or feel the same way. I love that about music. Carolina and I have music time everyday where we listen, sing, dance. My favorite radio station on Pandora right now is Lite Rock Songwriters… OMG every song is AWESOME!!!!

8. (because I’m an over-achiever) I love COWBOY BOOTS!!! I would have 100 pairs if my husband would let me store that many! :):)

phewwwww. All 7 facts are done. Plus one!

Last rule is to nominate 7 people. This is where I struggle because I don’t know if you have been nominated for this already so please ignore if you have and I apologize I double nominated you. I’m picking these blogs because I enjoy reading their posts/blogs.

1. SimplyHonest.SimplyReal

2. The Dazed Mommy

3. LittleNugget_BigNugget

4. No Fruit for You

5. MeaningfulMommy

6. A Woman’s Lifestyle

okay I only have 6. Again I apologize if any of the 6 listed above have been nominated before.

This was pretty fun to do. Have a great night everyone!!!

Motherhood

The Gift

It’s that time of year when I get sucked into Lifetime and Hallmark’s holiday movies. I re-watch all my favorites as well as look forward to the new ones. This year is different from previous ones because it is as if I’m watching the movies through a new pair of eyes… the eyes of a mother. Most of the time this fact is a wonderful one and gets me so excited about the holidays and the traditions that my family will have. Unfortunately, the movies that aren’t so fun to watch are the sad stories about losing a loved one or even worse a sick child. I can cry just reading the descriptions of the movies. I never thought about those events before becoming a mother, so watching it unfold on tv it gives you that image that you don’t want to imagine.

There was a movie on today called ‘The Ultimate Gift’. It was about how this man is forced to complete 12 life-changing tasks before he can receive his inheritance from his rich grandfather that recently died. In the middle of him completing these tasks he befriends a young girl with leukemia and her mother who is dealing with all that having a sick child entails. I know that this is a movie and these are characters played by actors but I’m aware that somewhere, there is a family experiencing these struggles for real; and that breaks my heart completely. I can’t imagine the pain involved. I can’t imagine the strength that these children have to face such horrible illnesses. I can’t imagine the strength of the parents to keep a smile on their face for their child and possibly more children at home. I can’t imagine being the medical staff having to share such difficult news. I don’t know if I would be that strong faced with these situations and I hope I never have to find out.

This story line hits close to home but not in the way you would think. I never got to meet my husbands sister who battled her own illness. I don’t know the whole story as this is ( and understandably so) still hard for my husband to talk about. I would never want to cause or remind him of this pain by asking questions. Throughout our relationship I have learned bits and pieces about her; her amazing strength; and the life she had from him, his parents, and other relatives. My husband constantly thinks about our daughter and he will ask me constantly if she is napping or even really quiet if she is okay. I go and check in; to ease his mind. Part of me thinks this is in part of what he went through when he was younger. At first, I didn’t understand why he was so adamant about checking. The first week she was born and after we brought her home he would ask me “is she still breathing” every time she was sleeping. It later dawned on me what could be making him so worried; from then on I don’t make a big deal about it… I just go in and check. It takes a couple seconds to do.

While watching this movie I’m reminded of a gift that we received after my daughter was born. It’ll be a moment I hope I never forget. As I’ve mentioned before my daughter was born on May 27th @ 8:32am. She was the first girl born that day… Actually the first baby that day. A few hours after she was born there was a knock on our door; a nurse entered with a gift bag. At first I thought maybe a family or friend stopped by but that wasn’t the case. The nurse explained that a lady stopped by earlier with this gift for the first girl born on May 27th. She didn’t leave a name. I opened the gift and inside was a beautiful little dress outfit and a card.

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My mom read the card. My mom explained that 17 years ago she delivered twins (boy & girl) on May 27th. Sadly,her daughter didn’t make it and for the past 17 years she always drops off a gift to be given to the first girl born on May 27th. What a moving way to honor her daughter. I was so touched by her story but I was so emotional from everything I wasn’t quite ready to read her words in that card just yet. I finally read the card after I got home from the hospital. It was touching; I cried and hugged my daughter extra tight. I can’t imagine her pain. My daughter has wore this out quite a few times and each time I put it on her I think of that women and her words. I always give my daughter one more extra hug.

I’ll never get rid of that dress. I’ll always hold that moment dear to my heart.

Motherhood

I made a human…. WHAT?!?!

As I rocked my baby before I put her to bed something hit me like a ton of bricks. I made her! Every inch of her, every part of her being, I made her (with a little help from her daddy). I carried her inside of me. She never existed before and there will never be no one else like her. Even as I typed that last sentence it amazes me how true that is. How incredible is that? I certainly did something right! I’m so in love with her!

from our walk today!

I mean I knew I was pregnant and I know what happens when a female is pregnant; I’ve seen the movie ‘The Miracle of Life’ which was made in the early 80s. I think all I really took away from it was the ‘fashion’ (if you can call it that) the adults were wearing… oh my! You know you agree with this. I think during my whole pregnancy it was never real to me. I guess I thought I’d just go to the hospital the doctor would come in, I’d deliver, and from around the corner my baby would appear. You know the stork carries the baby to the hospital room. HA! Seriously though, it amazes me what the female body can do. What we are capable of. How beautiful. I kind of want to be pregnant again, and again, and again. Okay I’m not sure about 3 more times… but definitely again.

All of this made me think of a quote I’ve read probably a thousand times when I was pregnant; “No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” I remember thinking ‘aww, how cute’. It was just this sweet saying but I didn’t understand the full meaning until the days since she was born. Her and I have this bond that no one else can have, take, understand. How special. It truly is an honor that I got to be this little girls mom. I hope there is never a day that she questions my love for her. I hope I can set the foundation where she always feels at ease in communicating whatever life is throwing at her. I’m here for her. I’m not her friend.. (yet), I am her mother. We may not always agree and to be honest like each other but I’ll always have an ear to listen to her stories, a shoulder for her to cry on, and a hand to help her up if she ever falls. I will always love her.

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I have also noticed that when I get overwhelmed with emotions about my daughter, I always think about my mother and all she did for us. I wish there was a way I could have known then what I know now; I would have expressed my gratitude with her more back then. As many teenage daughters and mothers disagree; we had some rough years. I wish I could take those back. I now understand why my mom did what she did, said what she said. (Let’s not tell her that 🙂 but I get it…thanks mom).

There hasn’t been a day gone by that when I feel so much love and emotions for my own daughter that I also don’t feel such appreciation for my own mom. Her and I have the same bond my daughter and I have. You always hear about Fathers and Daughters… I say lets also make Mothers and Daughters worth talking about! 🙂 4734100_f520Amen!!

Motherhood

It’s the little things!

I just noticed I have not written about such a huge day in my daughters development. I definitely want to remember these memories. On Tuesday I was eating my dinner and had her sitting in her bumbo chair in front of me. I noticed she was sticking her tongue out; which is one of her favorite things to do. It’s hilarious! I hope she keeps this fun personality as she gets older. Anyways, she was sticking out her tongue a little differently this time (ha, who knew there were so many ways to stick out ones’ tongue). It almost looked like she was struggling so I was watching carefully and all of a sudden she blew a raspberry. It was the funniest and cutest thing I had seen so far. I watched her figure out how to make the noise come out. I was so proud and glad that I got to witness her figure something out.

Like any mom I grabbed my phone to get it on video to share with my husband and my parents. And….. very typical her she just wanted to look at herself in the phone and wouldn’t do make the noise again. Eventually after making the noise myself about a million times she did it…. and I got it on camera! SCORE!!!! I could now delete the 30 videos of just me making the noise and her looking at me like I’ve lost my mind (which is still up for debate).

After I ate I took her into our bedroom to play on our bed, she likes to look in the mirror and watch the ceiling fan spin around. She was blowing raspberries non stop… (of course no camera filming her to distract her). I facetime my mom and she continued to blow raspberries. My mom and I were in tears laughing at her because she was really pushing to get that face out. I’ve seen faces like these before but for VERY different and stinky reasons. I loved this moment and I wish it could have lasted forever.

All of sudden just when I thought the new milestones were through for the day she turned over from laying on her back to her stomach. Up to this point she could only roll over from stomach to back (which makes me nervous still because she still hasn’t grasped her arm cannot be directly out to the side of the direction she is trying to roll over; I’m so nervous she will hurt herself). It was special that my mom got to witness it as she doesn’t live near. I yelled for joy and she could tell I was happy because she was just smiling and happy as a clam.

Oh what a beautiful day and a memory I hope I never forget!

I saw a picture online today that reminded me of it: “Sometimes the littlest things take up the most room on our hearts”. Oh this couldn’t be more true if you are talking about a baby. This is just another reminder that I made the best decision to be at home to see her grow.

Proud mommy!!

It's not what you think.... just blowing raspberries!!!
It’s not what you think…. just blowing raspberries!!!
Motherhood

Time Machine?!?! Please

Tonight while putting my daughter to bed tears filled my eyes. This wasn’t the first time and I know out won’t be the last.

An old co worker of mine is in labor and it brings me back to May 27th. I miss that day everyday and would go back to that day in a heart beat. In the same breath I adore the little girl my daughter is becoming.

I have a hard time believing that she will become a toddler, pre teen, teenager (Lord help me with this one), and an adult. I can’t imagine not having a baby in my arms. Will I be the next 19 and counting mom…. Highly doubtful but I get why she had so many babies lol.

All of these thoughts and feelings flooded my head while rocking her and couldn’t help but feel tremendous love and happiness yet just a touch of sadness because as I lay her down to sleep at night I know this day will never happen again. This fact breaks my heart. I never knew I could feel so many different emotions at the same time as I have some becoming a mom.

And boy oh boy the days fly by. Why it’s that? Right when I want every day the last forever they fly by….

I hope my old co worker has a smooth delivery and her and her daughter are healthy. Thoughts and prayers to her. I shared with her…It’s definitely an adventure and welcome to the best days of your life. You’ve never known happiness, fear, and love like you will when you see her!!

Good night world and goodbye October 15th 2014. It’s been a wonderful day and I know tomorrow will be filled with so much happiness and love.

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Motherhood

Strength of mothers

As Carolina napped this morning I found myself watching 2 episodes of 16 and pregnant. Not a show I regularly watch but it was interesting. Since having a child of my own I have a new respect for teenage mothers. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever and to have high school to deal with and just being a kid themselves… I couldn’t imagine. I simply couldn’t imagine having a baby at 16 or better yet before I was married and had my husband here for support.

The first young girl on the show was having an extremely hard time adjusting to being a mom. Staying home all the time, no sleep, her friends off at college and missing out on what she thought she would be doing was taking a toll on her. I couldn’t imagine that struggle. I wanted to cry along with her. I remember loving being off at college and those memories; but I know the love she has for her child as well. I do hope this young girl learns how much being a mom is a privilege and the memories with and love for her child is unlike anything else in the world. In the long run being a mother will outweigh the feeling of not going to school when she thought she would.

The second young girl was faced with keeping her baby or putting baby up for adoption. Adoption was what her friends and family were pressuring her to do. She struggled immensely with this decision but ultimately decided to keep her child. Her mother made her move out and the baby’s father was a year younger than her and even less prepared for the responsibility. My heart goes out to her because I could tell she wants what is best for her daughter and she realized adoption would give her daughter a more stabile, ‘easier’ home but how does a mom give up her child. Oh I just couldn’t imagine the stress and pain she must have went through. I understand and agree that her family wants her to be responsible for child and that it’s the young girls’ responsibility to pay for baby, provide care, pay for daycare, finish school. Yikes I hope things turned out for the best. Again I just wanted to cry for this girls struggle.

Yes it is easy to say that the teenagers should have not gotten pregnant and should have acted differently but that won’t change the situations they are in. I could have easily been in their shoes and I never forgot that as I watched the show. My heart goes out to them and I hope they figure out a way, a plan, and get the support they need to do what’s best for their children and themselves.

I couldn’t help but also selfishly realize by watching this show how truly amazing, I mean AMAZING my life has turned out. I have done so much so far and I’m proud of what I have accomplished but becoming a mother has by far surpassed everything else I’ve done or experienced. And now having the opportunity to stay home and have this time with my child means everything to me. I know this isn’t an opportunity available to a lot of families so I am soo incredibly grateful to my husband.

I’m just reminded of a quote : “being a mother is not about what you have up to have a child but what you gained from having one”. It’s truly the most sacred of roles and privilege to be a mom.